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Christmas 2007

The Last Thing I Needed

The last few months have been...dynamic. I've been on a career high and a family low with a promotion and my grandfather passing away. And now, Anna and I separating. It seems like so many events are occurring for which I can't maintain the necessary emotional separation required for me to write anything online. It's kind of a new place for me, I've never been this down. Objectively, it's interesting because I so rarely get to be the victim.

The synopsis could be dirty if detailed, I guess that's always the way. We were together for a long time and while there was never really a turning point for me, Anna's turning point was way back in last February around her birthday. I was out of town for work and she went out with friends before coming to meet me in Manhattan. Something about being with her friends brings out a dangerous rebellion in Anna that she is currently investigating as her “true” self.

After February of last year there was an increasing push to keep her friends a mystery to me and go out partying without me. She started shielding me from her life, making it clear that I was not invited to many events.

Then in the summer, I left with Dixie to go to Texas while my grandfather was still alive and try to spend the last couple weeks of his life by his side. This left Anna all alone and of course she used it to party and I came to home to the worst disaster ever. She had gorged herself on senseless rebellion while I was away and left me to clean up and pay for the repairs. I knew that this would occur before I left Ithaca, but there wasn't much I could do to prevent it. I thought we would be broken up when I returned from Dallas, but she stated she wanted to stay in the relationship and I felt like we could work things out.

When school started there was more of the same rebellion, but I wasn't a first hand witness to the burn-out since she was in another city. I think all the time away from me this semester really reinforced the destructive side of her personality and now she's paying the price in many ways. In our few weekends together it was clear that she ready to move on. In response, I asked her what she wanted out of the relationship and she said she wanted out of the relationship.

I really thought we would work things out, but I guess I was very wrong. Certainly the blame is not all on Anna. I'm not the most emotionally supportive person; I'm so goal oriented that I always think people need advice to get where they want to go and not just positive reinforcement. I guess that makes me a difficult person to tolerate in some ways, particularly to Anna.

What I see happening now is that Anna has goals, but that her day to day actions don't lead her any closer to these goals. I usually phrase it like this: You know what you want to get done, and you know what you want to do, but the doing never leads to the done. It's the anti- Wei Wu Wei. For example, I want to sell a bunch of stuff on Ebay, but minute to minute I'd rather play video games than post auctions. Anna seems to have a lot of stated goals with no purposeful steps identified or taken.

What this extra long post all boils down to is a great Willie Nelson song that has always been one of my favorites:

ôLast night you came home late
And I knew you'd been drinking
By that old mellow look on your face
I thought, "It don't matter
'Cause it's the holiday season"
And you fill such a big empty space

But then I laid down beside you
And I wanted your lovin'
Because your love makes my life complete
But the last thing I needed
The first thing this morning
Was to have you walk out on me

So excuse me for lookin'
Like my world just ended
And excuse me for lookin'
Like I just lost my best friend
And excuse me for livin'
And being forgiving
So just go on if you want to be free

But the last thing I needed
The first thing this morning
Was to have you walk out on me”

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

Crow